Thursday, April 08, 2004
Consciousness
Consciousness is not equal to self-consciousness. Amazing the lengths that people will go to in order to not deal with themselves. Bury your head in the sand or a book and maybe the whole world will go away. What the hell happened to make her like this? What early trauma could explain it? Is it as simple as a poorly-socialised puppy who doesn't know how to play and bites when it is scared, which is all the time because the whole world is scary when the only part of it you feel comfortable with is your own back yard. Fear and confusion. Maybe fear is confusion. Spend more and more money so that you don't have enough spare to have to go out into the world. Maybe this journey is sufficiently big for her. It wouldn't be fun to see the whole world on one's own, particularly if one was poorly socialised as a puppy and doesn't know how to make friends, except with puppies. No fun biting people. Or stinging them. "It's in my nature" said the miserable scorpion as it stung the frog on the way across the stream. Disparage your sister for drinking tea and eating toast in Italy, but at least she had the Lion courage to leave the little town and explore the world, with friends that she made on her very own. What attention seeking self slicing expensive excuses. Who cares if you have glasses? Who cares how big your boobs are? Why spend so much time looking at yourself and being miserable because you don't know how to change what you see through any kind of willpower besides the kind that denies yourself in the most painful way for you, with your oral fixation and compulsion to pop things in there... cigarettes, fingers, food.... I don't comment on how you look because I honestly don't notice, I'm too busy sensing your frigging feelings of insecurity. Aaaargh, get out of me.
Consciousness is not equal to self-consciousness. Amazing the lengths that people will go to in order to not deal with themselves. Bury your head in the sand or a book and maybe the whole world will go away. What the hell happened to make her like this? What early trauma could explain it? Is it as simple as a poorly-socialised puppy who doesn't know how to play and bites when it is scared, which is all the time because the whole world is scary when the only part of it you feel comfortable with is your own back yard. Fear and confusion. Maybe fear is confusion. Spend more and more money so that you don't have enough spare to have to go out into the world. Maybe this journey is sufficiently big for her. It wouldn't be fun to see the whole world on one's own, particularly if one was poorly socialised as a puppy and doesn't know how to make friends, except with puppies. No fun biting people. Or stinging them. "It's in my nature" said the miserable scorpion as it stung the frog on the way across the stream. Disparage your sister for drinking tea and eating toast in Italy, but at least she had the Lion courage to leave the little town and explore the world, with friends that she made on her very own. What attention seeking self slicing expensive excuses. Who cares if you have glasses? Who cares how big your boobs are? Why spend so much time looking at yourself and being miserable because you don't know how to change what you see through any kind of willpower besides the kind that denies yourself in the most painful way for you, with your oral fixation and compulsion to pop things in there... cigarettes, fingers, food.... I don't comment on how you look because I honestly don't notice, I'm too busy sensing your frigging feelings of insecurity. Aaaargh, get out of me.
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
Tell me I'm fabulous!
My partner reassures me and I get snappy - what are you reassuring me for? I'm absolutely fine and confident! Or was I? Aha! Again he sees me more clearly than I can. My facades are well developed yet he sees through them to the part that he can help with. I think I only want praise and reassurance about tasks new to me or stretching for me but it isn't at all, it's the ones that I think I do well that I really need the pat on the head for. I know I can rise to a challenge, and do well for a beginner. Can I become an expert at something? I've always spread myself thinly and not excelled, mind wanders, short attention span. Afraid to succeed, but why? Because it won't be noticed? Where is the satisfaction in a job well done if noone else sees how well? Why not just keep trying new things? I am tired of that kind of praise. Again my wonderful partner amazes me...
My partner reassures me and I get snappy - what are you reassuring me for? I'm absolutely fine and confident! Or was I? Aha! Again he sees me more clearly than I can. My facades are well developed yet he sees through them to the part that he can help with. I think I only want praise and reassurance about tasks new to me or stretching for me but it isn't at all, it's the ones that I think I do well that I really need the pat on the head for. I know I can rise to a challenge, and do well for a beginner. Can I become an expert at something? I've always spread myself thinly and not excelled, mind wanders, short attention span. Afraid to succeed, but why? Because it won't be noticed? Where is the satisfaction in a job well done if noone else sees how well? Why not just keep trying new things? I am tired of that kind of praise. Again my wonderful partner amazes me...
Friday, April 02, 2004
Trust
If you're not absolutely confident that you could trust your partner with your life, then you've made the wrong choice! Exercise trust regularly and it will get stronger.
If you're not absolutely confident that you could trust your partner with your life, then you've made the wrong choice! Exercise trust regularly and it will get stronger.
