Tuesday, February 08, 2005
I spy with my little eye....
....something beginning with Daddy.
Again I think I'm there and I'm not in fact, or nowhere near it. I get grumpy and unsettled and don't know why, I can't even smell anything. I turn it from glory to mud, and why? Don't know, maybe fall asleep and it will go away, but I don't see how. He smells something, and his nose is hot on the trail, but just like any other puppy he won't know what it is until he finds it. Don't get frustrated with your nose, or with my nose, just have faith that all roads must lead somewhere. See what I'm scared of. I know when I'm bullshitting myself, but don't know how to clarify. And thus the partnership, your special straight talking skill, cuts through it all and to the point and bone. Thought you nicked a duct on the way and the tears flow and you get frightened, but there is always a layer of tears just covering the truth. And the trust. Most scared just before you let go and fall. Will I be caught, again and again? Isn't that too good to be true? Won't it wear out? Won't I fall through one day? I've fallen once or twice, I think, or have I? What did I need most and when did I need it? I can't even remember. But it all seemed to be conditional.... I am puzzled and do my best but it's at the point now where I can't finish it up just on that inertia. I'm not running anymore. I've relaxed to enjoy the view. I see that it's all behind me, and maybe I did rush through, but I wasn't enjoying that part so it's done and dusted if you ask me. I see the future and it is bright, must trust my Sagi friends from time to time and know she sees the truth of it. But the shadow looms still, a confrontation burning and I can't find the right time to push it over the edge of the cliff. "I know you can do it" - aha! the thought has occurred. I see myself happy to see the shadow at that point, I learned my opposites somewhere, my black and whites and say-exactly-what-you-don't-thinks... Will turn that one on its head and show that the child will always surpass the parent in at least one thing... He must think it won't be finished, just like last time (although I scared myself a bit on that one)... must I repeat this? Why does he always make this about HIM and what HE wants? How can I turn it around this time without having to be 15-year-old about it? How can I do it for me? Do I want it? Why? Because I can? How dull. I want to be interesting, more interesting not to finish it? Maybe I can lie and deal with it that way... no, it's not happening. Surprise, my graduation is this Saturday. That might show him everything he needs to know. That might motivate me. Is it ok to lie to the shadow? Can't continue as is, don't want the detail, can't do anything with it and it's not useful information, no use to me. His help does not help, is it reasonable to extract help unwillingly? Can I deceive? Would I be forgiven? Would it matter if I weren't? He doesn't know what I need and seems to want to give something. I think I'll take it. Accept that some people speak another language altogether, be focused but flexible... Push on with it all, and it's for me now. Feel better already!
Again I think I'm there and I'm not in fact, or nowhere near it. I get grumpy and unsettled and don't know why, I can't even smell anything. I turn it from glory to mud, and why? Don't know, maybe fall asleep and it will go away, but I don't see how. He smells something, and his nose is hot on the trail, but just like any other puppy he won't know what it is until he finds it. Don't get frustrated with your nose, or with my nose, just have faith that all roads must lead somewhere. See what I'm scared of. I know when I'm bullshitting myself, but don't know how to clarify. And thus the partnership, your special straight talking skill, cuts through it all and to the point and bone. Thought you nicked a duct on the way and the tears flow and you get frightened, but there is always a layer of tears just covering the truth. And the trust. Most scared just before you let go and fall. Will I be caught, again and again? Isn't that too good to be true? Won't it wear out? Won't I fall through one day? I've fallen once or twice, I think, or have I? What did I need most and when did I need it? I can't even remember. But it all seemed to be conditional.... I am puzzled and do my best but it's at the point now where I can't finish it up just on that inertia. I'm not running anymore. I've relaxed to enjoy the view. I see that it's all behind me, and maybe I did rush through, but I wasn't enjoying that part so it's done and dusted if you ask me. I see the future and it is bright, must trust my Sagi friends from time to time and know she sees the truth of it. But the shadow looms still, a confrontation burning and I can't find the right time to push it over the edge of the cliff. "I know you can do it" - aha! the thought has occurred. I see myself happy to see the shadow at that point, I learned my opposites somewhere, my black and whites and say-exactly-what-you-don't-thinks... Will turn that one on its head and show that the child will always surpass the parent in at least one thing... He must think it won't be finished, just like last time (although I scared myself a bit on that one)... must I repeat this? Why does he always make this about HIM and what HE wants? How can I turn it around this time without having to be 15-year-old about it? How can I do it for me? Do I want it? Why? Because I can? How dull. I want to be interesting, more interesting not to finish it? Maybe I can lie and deal with it that way... no, it's not happening. Surprise, my graduation is this Saturday. That might show him everything he needs to know. That might motivate me. Is it ok to lie to the shadow? Can't continue as is, don't want the detail, can't do anything with it and it's not useful information, no use to me. His help does not help, is it reasonable to extract help unwillingly? Can I deceive? Would I be forgiven? Would it matter if I weren't? He doesn't know what I need and seems to want to give something. I think I'll take it. Accept that some people speak another language altogether, be focused but flexible... Push on with it all, and it's for me now. Feel better already!
Like the sun coming out...
Don’t cycle me repeating and defending and making mo mos and I see me being silly but I am such a reactive beagle, going on instincts instead of thoughts, maybe because I’m thinking so much that the reactions are in place to allow my thoughts to be elsewhere.
A cycle of down, lesson after lesson, I calmed down but my brain was still working overtime, you can tell from my reactions, know myself better now but still have to ride the merri-go-round one more time now that I know what I’m looking out for. Didn’t learn enough or share my feelings enough, I felt angry and the cracks showed, the energy leaks out and makes a muddle of the world, shows us the issue that we most thought would just go away. We deal with it or we don’t, that’s the choice, can see how it makes people angry and divide, we are so much more than that but haven’t developed why yet, will get right on it. He finally made the safe place for us. I sank into it and sighed relief and wonder and happiness for the first time in days. Some of it exercise, some of it avoidance, some of it stuckedness. Mostly just missing him and wondering how to get him to come back but the more you chase the kelpie, the more he runs away. The beagle just runs in circles as long as you pretend to chase her but my will she go fast, legs a-blur, if she knows you’re there and you’re watching. She’ll run right past you just to make you spin around. He finally decided to lay down next to me. We can talk in the safe place, could never ever argue there or see anything but beauty and green. Start small, think big, we can make safe places everywhere, make them more in our nature, my nature, his nature.
A cycle of down, lesson after lesson, I calmed down but my brain was still working overtime, you can tell from my reactions, know myself better now but still have to ride the merri-go-round one more time now that I know what I’m looking out for. Didn’t learn enough or share my feelings enough, I felt angry and the cracks showed, the energy leaks out and makes a muddle of the world, shows us the issue that we most thought would just go away. We deal with it or we don’t, that’s the choice, can see how it makes people angry and divide, we are so much more than that but haven’t developed why yet, will get right on it. He finally made the safe place for us. I sank into it and sighed relief and wonder and happiness for the first time in days. Some of it exercise, some of it avoidance, some of it stuckedness. Mostly just missing him and wondering how to get him to come back but the more you chase the kelpie, the more he runs away. The beagle just runs in circles as long as you pretend to chase her but my will she go fast, legs a-blur, if she knows you’re there and you’re watching. She’ll run right past you just to make you spin around. He finally decided to lay down next to me. We can talk in the safe place, could never ever argue there or see anything but beauty and green. Start small, think big, we can make safe places everywhere, make them more in our nature, my nature, his nature.
