Friday, May 14, 2004
Revenge
Best served cold or at least served over and over. Stop the cycle but how, where is my power? I keep searching but I can't decide. Revenge is not in my nature but in my nurture, I can at least settle that argument. Why does it make you feel better? Why is it necessary? I can't see, but I feel it. At least I understand the origin now and know it wasn't in anything I did, blame the little half-you, half-him, that got together and made me even though it was nothing I ever asked for. "Somebody shoot that child." How dare it exist and impinge on your tranquility, what's left of it, didn't get enough on the farm. Or got too much and panic when it's gone, the worst nightmare, the leeches, the parasites, fear them passed on to me and to him but it's the way of things, the flow of things, the nature of things, can't nurture it out. Don't infect me with your fear anymore. Fear deep water, fear being out of control, fear being alone. Aha! Got it now. Fear being alone. The worst moments are the ones when you're all by yourself so I am still no closer to understanding why that's what you do, what you insist on... do it to yourself and no-one can beat you to it. I insist on not being alone because you made it that way but I had more control than you because I have never insisted on privacy, I must know all and share all, what value is a book if it is never opened? Only so much paper pressed together in a useless pile. I prefer to bury my nose in it, smell it and feel it, and sometimes even read it. Always wondered why I couldn't feel the writing that made the words that made the feelings. Can I make you not afraid? Why can't you heal you? Can I be angry at you for that? Is it my problem? It affects me but should it? It's only a part of me because it made me who I am, it constitutes my fears. Can I deny where I come from? Can I make it in to something else, something to be proud of? How do I accept it and reject it at the same time? How can I pick and choose?
Best served cold or at least served over and over. Stop the cycle but how, where is my power? I keep searching but I can't decide. Revenge is not in my nature but in my nurture, I can at least settle that argument. Why does it make you feel better? Why is it necessary? I can't see, but I feel it. At least I understand the origin now and know it wasn't in anything I did, blame the little half-you, half-him, that got together and made me even though it was nothing I ever asked for. "Somebody shoot that child." How dare it exist and impinge on your tranquility, what's left of it, didn't get enough on the farm. Or got too much and panic when it's gone, the worst nightmare, the leeches, the parasites, fear them passed on to me and to him but it's the way of things, the flow of things, the nature of things, can't nurture it out. Don't infect me with your fear anymore. Fear deep water, fear being out of control, fear being alone. Aha! Got it now. Fear being alone. The worst moments are the ones when you're all by yourself so I am still no closer to understanding why that's what you do, what you insist on... do it to yourself and no-one can beat you to it. I insist on not being alone because you made it that way but I had more control than you because I have never insisted on privacy, I must know all and share all, what value is a book if it is never opened? Only so much paper pressed together in a useless pile. I prefer to bury my nose in it, smell it and feel it, and sometimes even read it. Always wondered why I couldn't feel the writing that made the words that made the feelings. Can I make you not afraid? Why can't you heal you? Can I be angry at you for that? Is it my problem? It affects me but should it? It's only a part of me because it made me who I am, it constitutes my fears. Can I deny where I come from? Can I make it in to something else, something to be proud of? How do I accept it and reject it at the same time? How can I pick and choose?
// posted by Beagle @ 8:02 am 
