Wednesday, June 16, 2004
The Leap
An amazing combination of me-things leads to my behaviour. Is being cautious being afraid? I have always kept one foot firmly on solid ground, known my boundaries and kept within them although I might have been a little misleading to others when I said my boundaries were much more confined, gives me space and relief from pressure because then I'm always doing good. I can enlarge them at my own pace but it is frustratingly slow. I sit and beat my head, I am frustrated at the tiny number of synapse connections that limit my thinking and my understanding and make my subconscious reactions repeat again and again. What has been the common connection? What is it time to let go of? Is it safe? Please tell me. Is it safe? Then a creature falls from the sky, lands square on me, jolts me out of one idea and into the next. Finally but not a moment late. I sat and demanded it of the world, give it to me now, I know I'm ready. I see it all so clearly and want to keep the tears flowing for thankfulness. I see how gentle he has been. How patient. How I struggled and fought it just to see that it was indeed watertight. Convinced myself it was cerebral but it goes to the heart of me. In the nick of time, at the perfect time, he forced the issue and gave me all I needed to see. He can feel the change as I do. It's not relax or be uptight, it's be there or be elsewhere. The death throes of my clinging, firm foot, sting all around me, sting him because he's the cause of it. Feel an instant annoyance with every word that begins the terror of repeating it all, must be subconscious because I can't choose this unhappiness. Emphasise the wrong things, need the physical, focus on that, we can count it. My mind surprises me and sees the answer but can't explain it to my heart or my soul, they argue it over and sting all around and chase their tails around and around. My defenses become more and more primitive on the scale of me. The opportunity to try it on for size, to publicise, the last piece I needed. I face it finally, ask the questions, stop kidding myself. So frightening that the glass slipper fits the dying, clinging, firm foot and restores the life. I see now it had always been dying. Could this have been meant to be? That slipper meant for me? Can I wear it? The deja vu returns instantly and now it is of course. The instant annoyance vapourised, soothing calm floats me to him and I sleep in his arms. Once again I am astounded, amazed, and so grateful. More than ever. Finally understand the forever word and know that I can say it and mean it. Or maybe not say it because I feel it, loud enough for him to hear.
An amazing combination of me-things leads to my behaviour. Is being cautious being afraid? I have always kept one foot firmly on solid ground, known my boundaries and kept within them although I might have been a little misleading to others when I said my boundaries were much more confined, gives me space and relief from pressure because then I'm always doing good. I can enlarge them at my own pace but it is frustratingly slow. I sit and beat my head, I am frustrated at the tiny number of synapse connections that limit my thinking and my understanding and make my subconscious reactions repeat again and again. What has been the common connection? What is it time to let go of? Is it safe? Please tell me. Is it safe? Then a creature falls from the sky, lands square on me, jolts me out of one idea and into the next. Finally but not a moment late. I sat and demanded it of the world, give it to me now, I know I'm ready. I see it all so clearly and want to keep the tears flowing for thankfulness. I see how gentle he has been. How patient. How I struggled and fought it just to see that it was indeed watertight. Convinced myself it was cerebral but it goes to the heart of me. In the nick of time, at the perfect time, he forced the issue and gave me all I needed to see. He can feel the change as I do. It's not relax or be uptight, it's be there or be elsewhere. The death throes of my clinging, firm foot, sting all around me, sting him because he's the cause of it. Feel an instant annoyance with every word that begins the terror of repeating it all, must be subconscious because I can't choose this unhappiness. Emphasise the wrong things, need the physical, focus on that, we can count it. My mind surprises me and sees the answer but can't explain it to my heart or my soul, they argue it over and sting all around and chase their tails around and around. My defenses become more and more primitive on the scale of me. The opportunity to try it on for size, to publicise, the last piece I needed. I face it finally, ask the questions, stop kidding myself. So frightening that the glass slipper fits the dying, clinging, firm foot and restores the life. I see now it had always been dying. Could this have been meant to be? That slipper meant for me? Can I wear it? The deja vu returns instantly and now it is of course. The instant annoyance vapourised, soothing calm floats me to him and I sleep in his arms. Once again I am astounded, amazed, and so grateful. More than ever. Finally understand the forever word and know that I can say it and mean it. Or maybe not say it because I feel it, loud enough for him to hear.
// posted by Beagle @ 2:43 pm 
